Twokindsofleft's Weblog

twokindsofleft — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 00:18:52 +0000

Attention:

I have come to the realization that i am fat.

twokindsofleft — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:13:09 +0000

It’s unnerving to realize how fragile life is. When your well being and happiness lies in the hands of another it makes things only that more fragile.

Last night, i stayed up waiting for a phone call that never came. I needed that phone call to know the well being of my fiance. Thus, i ended up staying up until ungodly hours in the morning (4 am), waiting, my mind running wild, going insane.

It’s funny in a not so funny matter how your mind tends to run rampant when you are left hanging. I would like to think that they got home alright, that he didn’t need stitches, and that he didn’t get an MIP. But, another part of me entertained the idea that either they got pulled over and got sent to jail, or got in a car crash. I hate the fact that i’m 45 miles away. It renders me useless when it comes to situations where i should have been the one taking care of matters. Instead, i just sit alone in my bed with 50 knots in my stomach, making me sick, making me shake, making me anxious.

I just hope everything turn out okay because that boy has my whole life in his hands.

twokindsofleft — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 05:09:33 +0000

Stop it. Stop it! STOP IT!

Why is all of this happening now?

twokindsofleft — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 18:03:57 +0000

It’s hard to believe that my first year of college is almost over. It seems just a few weeks ago that i was an akward newbie stumbling my way around the campus. All i have to think is- one more year and i get to stumble around university.

I sold my math text books back to the campus today, got a wopping $113 dollars for both books which cost me probably $300 dollars all together. But i lack the enthusiasm to actually go out and sell the books online.

Everything is going to happen in a down hill skid it feels like. Once school is actually out, i have one week left at my parents house before i start packing and moving into an apartment with Isaac. By the 11th of July i’m getting married and i should be completely settled into the apartment and completely settled at my new job.

It finally feels like everything is coming together and that i’m not having to grasp at scraws to make things work. No one is going to come in and screw this up for me. I’m not going to let it happen.

Don’t trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, won’t trust a hoe, won’t trust me.

twokindsofleft — Mon, 18 May 2009 06:34:35 +0000

Everyting is beginning. I’m on the cusp of a new start. A new job, a new car, a new life.

I can finally start growing up.

And although i should be ecstatic about all of this information, i am a little indifferent. I’m not exactly sure how to react. I’ve been waiting for this for so many months now, and now that it’s finally happened i don’t know what to do.

There are so many things that need to be accomplished now. Finnishing up furnishing our house and various things with our small, quaint wedding.

I’ve started emailing smaller venues for a potential place to hold it at for a reasonable price. Hopefully around the ballpark of $200. Like that’s ever going to happen.

Life is such a weird thing. For a couple of months you could be living this dull, dreadful monotomous life, then all of a sudden everything is changing on you. Nothing is ever constant for a long period of time. People are constantly changing, and circumstances are constantly changing. It’s invigorating to think about how i was last year and how much i have grown since then.

In high school i felt the need to stand out, speak up, and get a many people’s underwear in a bunch as i possibly could. Now tht i’m in college, i don’t have that urge to do that anymore. I’m perfectly content to sit back and soak up as much information as i possibly can in all of my classes instead of being the person who disrupted. I’m growing up. And i like it.

I can’t believe i’m getting married to the man of my dreams. Finally.

Oh and the new Green Day Cd is awesome.

The candle’s burnt out

twokindsofleft — Fri, 15 May 2009 07:33:33 +0000

I looked at pictures of you today. It’s not the same. We’re nothing. Two different people that never happened, and it needs to stay that way.

A lot of things are happening in my life, none of which involve you. You are apart of my past along with all of the other things. The candle’s burnt out. The spark is gone. Move on.

I have this vintage wedding ring stuck on my finger. Does it mean anything to you?

I love him. I love him. I love him.

You had your chance.

Various events in my life.

twokindsofleft — Sun, 10 May 2009 09:06:48 +0000

I think i may have made a mistake. I shouldn’t have told her where we’re going for lunch so we can meet up for the first time in 2 years. A part of me wants the attention, wants the giddiness, wants that infatuation but all it will be is an old flame. An old, dim flame that means nothing.

I am to undo this. I must stop. What is it that keeps me coming back for more and more.

Loneliness. That ache for the raw attraction that someone has for you. That’s what i’m wanting.

I must stop.

It’s not that i’m looking for an escape. I am more certain than ever before that marrying him is exactly what i want to be doing. I just want companionship and someone to pay attention to me the way attention was paid to me before everything turned.

I’m not sure exactly how to iterate exactly what i need from him. The romance, the completion, the happiness has almost all but dissapeared. Our romantic day turned into a fighting day.

I just want things okay.

twokindsofleft — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 07:16:29 +0000

Dear Zoey,

I am sorry, i really am. Every single day i think about you and how things could have been better. No matter how hard i try i will never be able to fill the void that has been left in my heart. You meant so much to me, and i didn’t even realize it at the time until you were gone. I could take you on car rides, take naps together, play, and just hang out together and i really felt like i had something there for me. It was so nice to come home and let you out of your kennel and have you be so excited to see me, something that i am lacking now.I just want to see you again. There were so many things that went left unsaid and so many appreciations that you never got to understand. I wish i could see you again, hold you, kiss you, and let you have the life you deserved. I just hope that when you were around you had a happy life and that you didn’t worry about being abused like you were before.

I’m sorry we were the ones that ended up killing you. That’s something that i will have to live with and deal with for the rest of my life. I never got the closure that i needed when you did go. I didn’t understand it, i saw you dead, in my dad’s arms, and i thought it was some sick twisted dream that i was going to wake up from. You were my sister, my companion, and my best friend, and all of a sudden you were ripped away from me and i didn’t know what to do with myself. I had finally let an animal, especially a dog at that, into my own little world and it came crashing down. I had to pull it together at that exact moment because i had to perform in my play, yet i was dying inside. I wanted to run up to you body and wake you up, you had to be sleeping, you were too young to die, there was so many things that we had not experienced together!

People didn’t understand why i was so upset about your death, and i don’t think people will ever get it. We had this special bond that i have only had with one other pet in my whole entire life. Now, you’re rotting in our backyard in some haphazard grave that we dug for you. My parents were sobbing, but i didn’t let myself cry. I couldn’t, it seemed so sacreligious to let them see me lose it. You were the only one for the amount of time that we were together that i really ever let see me cry and comfort me. How could i let them do it? It didn’t seem right.

Now we have Scarlett and Belle, and i can only hope that some part of you shows through through one of them. I miss you so terribly much that i can hardly stand it sometimes. I loved you so much and if given the chance to save your life and replace it with my own i could have done it in a heartbeat. You were and still are the perfect dog. I will never forget you, and i will always hope that when i go to get a Boston Terrier that i will be blessed enough to find a done with the same personality as you and hope that it is you just in a different body.

I just hope you’re okay, and that you realize how much i love you and miss you. Rest in peace Zoey. I will still cry many times about you.

Zoey

Died:

May 17th 2008

RIP

twokindsofleft — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 06:58:32 +0000

we are going to work on things. this makes me incredibly happy. i also think that the long awaited sunshine will help our moods considerably as well.

only 3 months bitches.

Long awaited post

twokindsofleft — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 06:49:47 +0000

Things in my life right now are both super progressive and yet at a stand still at the same time. Time is flying by quicker and quicker as the days go by, bringing the time crunch of getting my shit together for this summer to move out more hectic.

I just feel like i am being held back so much by so many things and that i need ot break free of those burdens in order to blossom and grow into this adult figure that has been ominous for the past year.

First, it is apparent that my job is holding me back from really figuring out who i am. I am not socially growing in my work place and it is becoming painfully obvious that i am not appreciated for my work. I am not about to work myself to the bone next year at a job where i am stuck at an entry-level position.

I am getting sick of the small-town mentality of it as well. If you don’t fit into the clique then people think that you’re strange and they tend to not warm up to you as much.

School to a certain extent is holding me back as well. I really am enjoying school right now because my classes are awesome, but i don’t realy see myself being stuck at university for the rest of my life trying to get a degree in something that will make me live a monotomous life. I really just want to go out and try to change the world one political issue after the next instead of working part time at some shitty fast food job and going to college. I feel like a lot of my time is being taken up by these damn formalities that don’t really need to be covered to go into what i want to be.

Ultimately, i would like to persue some sort of political position with power. Not like city councilman, but something more powerful than that. President. I’ve always, and i mean always, wanted to become president. To be the first female president with a hardcore liberal idealism to make this country conform to a more socialistic mindset instead of this capitalism bullshit that the rich republicans who have dictated the majority of the white house have rammed down our throats as good. It’s such big dream, but i could do it.

I really just want to break free of all of this. But my fears of people changing, especially the ones that i hold so close to my heart, and pushing away from me.

Things have changed since school has started, and i hate it. I fucking hate it. Things use to be so fun loving, care free, and happy. I constantly feel like i’m tredding on egg shells and i can’t do anything right. There is something going horribly wrong in my relationship and i cannot figure out what it is.